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Some T2K artwork i've done...

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  • #46
    Nate I think depression comes with Genius. It sucks but it seems to match with evidence I have seen. You are immensely talented and the whole world sees it but you may not right now.

    There is something in the genius mind that while it can hold on to information and produce wonderful works of art, that also makes it harder to let go of pain. The pain can be enveloping I know that. The pain can cripple you mentally and physically. I hate the fact that my mind can recall with perfect clarity every mistake I have made in my life. But this mind that tortures me so often can also produce wonderful and amazing things.

    I think you are a kindred spirit to me and many others here. Many of us have been in a similar place. The hand you have been dealt right now is not one I would wish on anyone, but you are not alone, and there are those of us who care about and really respect you and your talents. Hang in there man and we will be here to listen and help if we can.

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    • #47
      i just wish that i can stop hurting. i've tried to stop loving Emma. but i can't. i really can't. i might not like her much, but i still love her. especially when i find pictures and letters she wrote me, saying she would never leave. that she wanted us to be happy together. that she loved me for now and forever. i dont know what to do i really dont. i hate being here alone surrounded by all of these things. i sit in the boys room holding the stuffed animals that they didn't take to the UK, i love her so damn much. i dont know what to do. i just want to stop thinking. she promised she wouldn't do this to me. she swore to God she would never do this. but she did.
      Fuck being a hero. Do you know what you get for being a hero? Nothing! You get shot at. You get a little pat on the back, blah blah blah, attaboy! You get divorced... Your wife can't remember your last name, your kids don't want to talk to you... You get to eat a lot of meals by yourself. Trust me kid, nobody wants to be that guy. I do this because there is nobody else to do it right now. Believe me if there was somebody else to do it, I would let them do it. There's not, so I'm doing it.

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      • #48
        You can't turn off love. The only way to get rid of it is by passing through pain. I have had many nights where I work and work and work keeping my brain full so I can keep the pain on the very edges of my brain. I often work until I am so tired I can fall asleep without thinking. I hope we can help you find a way to cope until the pain subsides. It will get better.

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        • #49
          Originally posted by kato13
          You can't turn off love. The only way to get rid of it is by passing through pain. I have had many nights where I work and work and work keeping my brain full so I can keep the pain on the very edges of my brain. I often work until I am so tired I can fall asleep without thinking. I hope we can help you find a way to cope until the pain subsides. It will get better.
          I hope you are right. i really do. i still love her,and just dont understand how she can stop loving me. when she said that she never loved me, that she only married me out of pity.that really hurt.
          Fuck being a hero. Do you know what you get for being a hero? Nothing! You get shot at. You get a little pat on the back, blah blah blah, attaboy! You get divorced... Your wife can't remember your last name, your kids don't want to talk to you... You get to eat a lot of meals by yourself. Trust me kid, nobody wants to be that guy. I do this because there is nobody else to do it right now. Believe me if there was somebody else to do it, I would let them do it. There's not, so I'm doing it.

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          • #50
            Originally posted by natehale1971
            I hope you are right. i really do. i still love her,and just dont understand how she can stop loving me. when she said that she never loved me, that she only married me out of pity.that really hurt.
            She was lying or trying to convince herself that was the truth. Women say things they don't mean all the time. I'm not saying men don't as well, but women really know how to twist the dagger with words.

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            • #51
              Originally posted by kato13
              She was lying or trying to convince herself that was the truth. Women say things they don't mean all the time. I'm not saying men don't as well, but women really know how to twist the dagger with words.
              i guess so.. i just, dont understand all this. i just miss my boys so damn bad. this has been killing me. and when i ask her to put herself in my shoes, she says no, that she'll never do that.
              Fuck being a hero. Do you know what you get for being a hero? Nothing! You get shot at. You get a little pat on the back, blah blah blah, attaboy! You get divorced... Your wife can't remember your last name, your kids don't want to talk to you... You get to eat a lot of meals by yourself. Trust me kid, nobody wants to be that guy. I do this because there is nobody else to do it right now. Believe me if there was somebody else to do it, I would let them do it. There's not, so I'm doing it.

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              • #52
                Originally posted by natehale1971
                i guess so.. i just, dont understand all this. i just miss my boys so damn bad. this has been killing me. and when i ask her to put herself in my shoes, she says no, that she'll never do that.
                While not defending her, I think I do understand what she is doing. (Know thy enemy). She is trying to push you as far away as possible so she can run away from what she has done. I think she is hoping for "out of sight out of mind". She also has to justify to herself keeping your boys away from you. It is totally not fair to you and totally selfish but it has a logic (twisted as it might be).

                While you are going to be away from you boys for a while you will always be their father. As has been said before the more she tries to keep them from you the more they will want to be with you.

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                • #53
                  Originally posted by kato13
                  While not defending her, I think I do understand what she is doing. (Know thy enemy). She is trying to push you as far away as possible so she can run away from what she has done. I think she is hoping for "out of sight out of mind". She also has to justify to herself keeping your boys away from you. It is totally not fair to you and totally selfish but it has a logic (twisted as it might be).

                  While you are going to be away from you boys for a while you will always be their father. As has been said before the more she tries to keep them from you the more they will want to be with you.

                  I hope so. Jack already knows that i want to be with him, because he was sitting in my lap asking if i was going to get to stay this last time. And when told him i couldn't stay, he nodded his head and said "because of mummy and 'om." i never wanted the boys to hate her. its why i haven't killed myself. i hurt so damn bad. i just wish that things could be like it was before they left for the UK.
                  Fuck being a hero. Do you know what you get for being a hero? Nothing! You get shot at. You get a little pat on the back, blah blah blah, attaboy! You get divorced... Your wife can't remember your last name, your kids don't want to talk to you... You get to eat a lot of meals by yourself. Trust me kid, nobody wants to be that guy. I do this because there is nobody else to do it right now. Believe me if there was somebody else to do it, I would let them do it. There's not, so I'm doing it.

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                  • #54
                    Originally posted by kato13
                    While not defending her, I think I do understand what she is doing. (Know thy enemy). She is trying to push you as far away as possible so she can run away from what she has done.
                    That was exactly my assessment too. Saying what she said is clearly a deliberate strategy and I doubt it is the truth.

                    Originally posted by kato13
                    While you are going to be away from you boys for a while you will always be their father. As has been said before the more she tries to keep them from you the more they will want to be with you.
                    You should listen to Kato, Nate. His are wise words.
                    sigpic "It is better to be feared than loved" - Nicolo Machiavelli

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                    • #55
                      Originally posted by natehale1971
                      I hope so. Jack already knows that i want to be with him, because he was sitting in my lap asking if i was going to get to stay this last time. And when told him i couldn't stay, he nodded his head and said "because of mummy and 'om." i never wanted the boys to hate her. its why i haven't killed myself. i hurt so damn bad. i just wish that things could be like it was before they left for the UK.
                      The pain will diminish. There will be real rough patches, but you will hold them again. You just have to endure for now. Remember your boys need you.

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                      • #56
                        Originally posted by Targan
                        You should listen to Kato, Nate. His are wise words.
                        As they are originally yours I believe they are extra wise.

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                        • #57
                          I'm no shrink, but I feel moved to jump in here.

                          I can only repeat what my Pop told me when my 2nd son lay dying in the hospital: "The pain will never go away, but it will diminish." He was quoting a friend who had lost a daughter.

                          Seven years later, the pain is largely gone, the memories are not. I trusted in God, and life hasgotten better. I thank God for that, I feel that He had something to do with it.

                          My situation is not yours, and I am not you, so all I have are suggestions. I can suggest to live through it, and you will find yourself living again. Also, don't try to go through it alone.

                          {I don't know your opinion on religion, so I will apologize if bringing up my Christianity bothers you; but my faith has been my biggest prop.}
                          My Twilight claim to fame: I ran "Allegheny Uprising" at Allegheny College, spring of 1988.

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                          • #58
                            My condolences on your son Adm.Lee.

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                            • #59
                              Originally posted by Adm.Lee
                              I'm no shrink, but I feel moved to jump in here.

                              I can only repeat what my Pop told me when my 2nd son lay dying in the hospital: "The pain will never go away, but it will diminish." He was quoting a friend who had lost a daughter.

                              Seven years later, the pain is largely gone, the memories are not. I trusted in God, and life hasgotten better. I thank God for that, I feel that He had something to do with it.

                              My situation is not yours, and I am not you, so all I have are suggestions. I can suggest to live through it, and you will find yourself living again. Also, don't try to go through it alone.

                              {I don't know your opinion on religion, so I will apologize if bringing up my Christianity bothers you; but my faith has been my biggest prop.}
                              im a christian too... i keep holding onto my faith, because only three things in my life that i have loved haven't thrown me away.. My God, my country and my boys. they are the only ones i have loved that haven't abandoned me. i'm sorry about your boy. it makes me feel so selfish. i'm sorry for what you've lost. i hold onto my faith in God. if you looked at my dog tags you'd see that i have two extra tags, each one has my boys name and birthdate on them. so i can have them as close to my heart as they are. and i have a little chain with a cross, a star of david and star & cresent. all three faiths born of the God of Abraham. i am sorry you lost your little boy.. i don't know how you've survived this loss. everyone tells me that God has something important for me to do since i had survived the wreck and have bounced back from dying three times. i just wish i knew what i am suppose to do. all i have ever wanted was to be a husband and father. it's all i have ever asked him for. pathetic huh i gave her everything she ever asked for. the boys and i went without so she could have her cigs. but says it just was enough.
                              Fuck being a hero. Do you know what you get for being a hero? Nothing! You get shot at. You get a little pat on the back, blah blah blah, attaboy! You get divorced... Your wife can't remember your last name, your kids don't want to talk to you... You get to eat a lot of meals by yourself. Trust me kid, nobody wants to be that guy. I do this because there is nobody else to do it right now. Believe me if there was somebody else to do it, I would let them do it. There's not, so I'm doing it.

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