Stupid GI Tricks

[LBraden]

I think I found the problem there mate.

Sober Irishmen CANNOT do anything properly, like a drunk Englishman

I should know, I am Irish, just thanks to naval law, English by birth...

[pmulcahy11b]

Here's one... a certain Major set up his tent just outside of the wire in Korea. He goes to sleep. During his sleep, he rolls over -- and finds his face in excrement. The warmth inside the tent had melted what was a solid mass when he set it up. No end to ribbing on that one...

[dragoon500ly]

one FTX, in the Black Forest, a newbie thinks that sleeping on a tank is just too, well hard. He decides to spread his sleeping bag on the ground and passes out. About 230, we are awakened by screaming and the sounds of bodies running through the underbrush.

It seems that the newbie felt something tugging on the straps on the end of his bag, so he sat up, thinking that some of the old timers were playing "fuck with the new guy" again. NOPE! He was face to face with a German Wild Boar!!!! The amazing thing is that he escaped from the bag, without unzipping it, i.e. he squeezed his body though a hole less than 9 inches in diameter!

[mikeo80]

I think I found the problem there mate.

Sober Irishmen CANNOT do anything properly, like a drunk Englishman

I should know, I am Irish, just thanks to naval law, English by birth...

Now wait a minute Lee!!

I represent that remark about sober Irishmen.

Mike O'Donnell

[cavtroop]

one FTX, in the Black Forest, a newbie thinks that sleeping on a tank is just too, well hard. He decides to spread his sleeping bag on the ground and passes out. About 230, we are awakened by screaming and the sounds of bodies running through the underbrush.

It seems that the newbie felt something tugging on the straps on the end of his bag, so he sat up, thinking that some of the old timers were playing "fuck with the new guy" again. NOPE! He was face to face with a German Wild Boar!!!! The amazing thing is that he escaped from the bag, without unzipping it, i.e. he squeezed his body though a hole less than 9 inches in diameter!

I saw one of those get nailed by a tank at Grafenwhoer (spelling) once, on the side of the tank trail. Nasty mess...

One time up at Ft. Drum NY, we had a run-in with some super-aggressive raccoons. They'd come into the tracks at night, to rummage in the CVC bags, so we thought we'd be smart. We taped up the end of an M16 cleaning rod so it was tight in the barrel, and loaded it down the barrel of an M60, with a blank in the chamber. Raccoon came a little too close, and BLAM, we let him have it. I swear to god that the cleaning rod went straight through this thing. He just turned at us (about 15m away or so) and hissed, but didn't give ground. Needless to say, for the rest of the FTX, we slept in the tracks, but buttoned up

[dragoon500ly]

I saw one of those get nailed by a tank at Grafenwhoer (spelling)

The most common spelling is Grafenwhore. Graf had the screwest weather! In one day we started out with fog so thick that you could not see the hand at the end of your arm, by mid morning, the fog had been replaced by dust (a cav squadron running the tank trails), by noon, the ole tropical monsoon had moved in and everything was flooded and by twilight, snow was falling.

[cavtroop]

The most common spelling is Grafenwhore. Graf had the screwest weather! In one day we started out with fog so thick that you could not see the hand at the end of your arm, by mid morning, the fog had been replaced by dust (a cav squadron running the tank trails), by noon, the ole tropical monsoon had moved in and everything was flooded and by twilight, snow was falling.

I didn't mind Graf so much. Hohenfels was a craphole though - crap barracks, mud everywhere, and cold. Blah!

Back on-topic - I was in a very unique position for my last year on active duty. Our Brigade Commander (Colonel, O-6) wanted to try a new thing out, so he cross-leveled an M2A2 Bradley to the Brigade HQ, and I got tapped for the crew. I was part Scout/dismount, part gunner. When we were on the move, if the Colonel was on board, he was BC, the BC slid to the gunners slot, and I went to the back. Most of the time he wasn't on board, so I gunned. We gutted the crew compartment, ripped out all of the seats, the TOW racks, etc. On the right side of the crew compartment we installed 2 radios and an msrt satellite phone. On the left side, we installed a giant folding map-board. During the counter-recon phase of the battle the Colonel would take the Bradley out to the front lines where we'd setup in a good vantage point and he'd direct the battle. When things got hot, he'd hop in his humvee and ske-daddle, while we provided overwatch. Then, we'd join in the counter-recon battle. Sometimes, we were tasked with rear-area security (such as the time a recon platoon of BMP's rolled into the medics area ). Other times we focused on counter-recon, hunting down BMPs that the Humvee scouts couldn't handle.

Other times, we'd get special missions. We had one mission where we had to escort some Spanish Army emissaries (Generals, etc.) that were there for a dog and pony show to see how the US Army operated in the field. However, due to the rules of the box they were given full Miles gear, casualty cards, etc, and we played it as if they were really on the battlefield.

Well, the S-3 (a Major who shall remain nameless) was assigned to escort them around, and we were assigned security. This Major was a real head-case. West Point grad, thought he was gods gift to the US Army. So he takes the emissaries in a bunch of humvees to show them the FEBA and to observe the beginning stages of the battle. If any of you remember Hohenfels, there is this terrain feature called 'the peanut' just south of Old Baldy. It's a small hill, that gives a great view of a valley, and the chokepoint that the opfor has to plow through to attack it. So what does the Major do Drive right up onto the Peanut, skylining us all for anyone with a clue to spot us. We radioed up to him, to alert him to the situation, but he just got very annoyed and told us to clear the airwaves. Wonderful I thought, this is starting our GREAT.

About 20 minutes later, he gets the Spanish setup right on top of the peanut, in plain view of pretty much the entire world. We setup in a bushline, trying to get as much cover as we can, but its useless. So we're scanning the battlefield, and what do we spot About 1200m away or so, we see an Opfor BMP, with a guy standing on top. Binocs in one hand, a mic in the other, looking right at us. We tried to engage him, but he was too far away for the Miles lasers to register a hit. We radio this over to the Major, saying we need to grab the Spanish and go, as we're about to get bombarded. Of course, he wants NOTHING to do with that, and tells us (again) to get off the airwaves.

Sure enough, about 3 minutes later a whole group of OC's comes up and starts chucking flash-bangs and smoke grenades everywhere. Apparently, there was a bounty on my Bradley with the OC soldiers - they knew the Colonel had a Bradley, and were gunning for it. With 5 antennas on it, it was obvious who we were. They dropped an entire battalion of arty on our heads, and no-one survived, Spanish emissaries and all. I guess they got to see how the graves registration process worked in the US Army though, bu t they didn't see the battle It was only one of two times in my career I was killed by OpFor forces (the other was the 'wrong place at the wrong time' - our OP was setup, and they happened to randomly drop a nerve gas bombardment right next to us).

After the op, we got back to the Brigade TOC. The Colonel was PISSED! He came over to us, and we told him what happened. Never saw the old man so angry in my life. He LAID INTO the Major, up one side, down the other for what seemed like an eternity. We mostly hid inside the Bradley, but heard such choice quotes as 'how DARE you get my Bradley killed like that' and something about 'gross incompetence'. Apparenltly, the Colonel had a side-bet with the OpFor Colonel that 'his' Bradley wouldn't get killed, and he lost because of the Major

Good times

[dragoon500ly]

This happened at Graf

A M-60A3 from 1st Armored was taking a short cut inbetween two ranges. The TC did not have his gun tube elevated and when the driver hit a soft patch of ground, they stuck the muzzle into the mud.

The driver climbed out and scooped the mud out and ran a short section of ramrod with a brush on the end. Then looked in and proclaimed the tube "clear" Neither the driver, or the tank commander thought to open the breech block and look through the tube.

When this tank got to the range, they loaded TPDS and opened fire. The mud wad that was stuck in the tube, blocked passage of the shell and peeled open the tube like a bananna. Force of the explosion shattered all three driver's periscopes as well as the gunner's periscope head...

[Legbreaker]

I bet heads rolled for that!

[dragoon500ly]

I bet heads rolled for that!

The last that I ever heard of it was the TC went from E-6 to E-1 and received a Field Grade Article 15; his Lieutenant, Platoon and Section Sergeants, the Range Safety Officer and Range Safety NCOs all got formal letters of repimand for their 201 from their Brigade Commander. The driver was an E-2 and he got a Company Grade Article 15. Only thing that saved it from going to a Courts Martial was that no one got hurt.

Needless to say, there was a lot of inspections of gun tubes before anyone fired on the next round of Table VIIIs!!!

[pmulcahy11b]

It there any way to swab out a tank gun barrel from the breech

[dragoon500ly]

It there any way to swab out a tank gun barrel from the breech

Nope...

Your bore staff comes in 4-foot long sections, you don't have enough space in between the breech and the rear of the turret to feed the staff in. Normal practise is to feed the staff in from the muzzle, and have someone inside the turret ready to change the head, wrap cloth around the bell ramer, etc.

[HorseSoldier]

I can go one better on the Ft Drum raccoons. During my one brief trip to Drum my Bradley crew and I watched what had to be the dumbest guy in the New Jersey National Guard chase a skunk around a dumpster with a stick. It ended about like you'd guess . . .

[dragoon500ly]

During a FTX in Graf, the unit Chemical Officer decided to pull a fast one. The SOB poured a dozen bags of CS powder on the trank trail and then covered it with dust. Needless to say the first tank made it through okay, but the rest of us....

Nothing like a troops worth of vehicles scattered over a click of trail...

And the Chemical Officer....failed to get permission from Range Control, and since the Lieutenant Colonel was riding the trail right after our convey, and he didn't have a protective mask...

Ahhhhh, nothing like watching a Captain locked up in front of a light Colonel, getting a most impressive butt-chewing!

[dragoon500ly]

Here is an example of just how stupid the Green Machine can get.

While stationed at Fort Hood, Texas, we were notifed of an FTX that would take place over the Thanksgiving holiday. To make the FTX even more miserable, a Texas "Norther" blew through. For those of you lucky souls that have managed to avoid this form of weather, a "norther" is very cold, wet, windy and involves unseasonable snow.

To make matters even more enjoyable, our brigade commander had a personnel mission to remove heaters from military vehicles "in order to reduce our infra red signature". Yup! nothing like central Texas in 27 degree weather and a foot of snow/ice/slush to make the holidays memorable!

But that wasn't what PO'd the enlisted men. Nope! We took the weather in stride and proceeded to chase OPFER around the maneuver area. Thanksgiving Day dawned to a admin halt. Our officers were called to a high level staff meeting with the Brigade commander. Since it is somewhat unusual for all of the officers to attend a meeting, several scouts decided to perform a security patrol. Our intention was to ambush a "roach coach" and score some sodas and something other than C-rations.

We were a little surprised to see a lot of activity ongoing in a nearby clearing so we snooped in to see what was going on. Our Brigade Commander had arranged for several large tents to be set up and was hosting a Thanksgiving Dinner for his officers and their families. It was quite a spread! Everything served piping hot, white tablecloths, china, even wine for the usual toasts...

Did I mention that Thanksgiving Dinner for the troops was cold C-Rations, seems that the Brigade Commander pulled all of the unit cooks for the Officer's Dinner.

The credit of my fellow scouts, we kept our grumbling to ourselves, but the news of what had happened got out fairly quickly. But what impressed me the most was the Turkey Revolt. It seems that the Brigade Commander's little operation pissed off a lot of officers. They took up a collection among themselves and later that night cooked, delivered and served to the troops a hot Thanksgiving dinner. Kudo's to them!

And the Brigade Commander, well the Division Commander was less than pleased when the details came to his attention. Nothing offical ever happened, but our Brigade Commander was relieved of his command to attend a General Staff course, and was later assigned to a Public Information Officer's slot at the Pentagon. To the best of my knowledge, he was never appointed to command a unit again.